Living the good life or die trying!

i've never felt so much pain in my entire life.  i still can't believe that this is my life now.  i can't believe that all the promises to love each other forever have faded.  i can't believe our love is dead, but it is.  it's just so damn hard to admit.  11 years is a long time.  and it's hard to close that chapter.  but we've been pretending for too long now.  fooling ourselves that we were good and things were right.  but they were not.  they haven't been for a very long time.

you are my best friend, and that's what makes this so hard.  you broke my heart and i think it will never heal again.   when you left me, i thought i would die.  and a part of me did die.  you introduced me to the most intense pain of my life.  i have a perminant scar.  but time went on, and i found myself again.  i grew strong.  i liked myself again.  and then you came back.  you didn't want to be my girlfriend, but you didn't want me to go away either.  so i tried.  i lived in your limbo that was slowing killing me.  and killing my love.

then i felt like i was slipping back to the old me.  losing myself again.  it was happening.  we were slipping back to the way things were.  i would forget that you were not my girlfriend, and then would be unexpectedly reminded in some way...bringing back all the hurt and pain again.  i was dying, again.

so i decided to leave this time.  i had reached the end of my rope and had nothing left to hang on to.  so i've let go.  now i'm falling into the unknown.  and i'm terrified.  but what hurts the worst, is that now that i couldn't hang on anymore and finally let go...now you say all those things i had long to hear for so long.  now you realize that you never stopped loving me.  now that its too late and my love is gone.

you asked if i remembered all those wonderful memories we made together.  of course i do.  i will always cherish those.  and i will always love you too.  and i will never regret the wonderful times we had together.  we are just no good anymore.  and i don't believe we can ever overcome that.  it's been too long.  it's too hard.  it's too painful.  and i just don't want to die again.

but it still hurts.  and i still cry.  and i still miss you.  and i'm sorry you are sad.  but i just can't do it anymore.  it's just too much.  so this is it.  this is the end.  it's just so hard to say goodbye.